I wanted to write a little about me, 
It's been a while since I wrote anything ( but I have a whole book written in my head)
Being a mom 3 and caring for one 24/7 it's real easy to forget who you are a person , and where you want to go, or wanted to go but never quite made it... It's easy to forget , your more then just a mom.

  I spend way more time in yoga pants then one person should be allowed to. I know it's been mentioned by people a time or too, 
Well, there's a reason for that, other then lazy , and come on, they go with almost EVERYTHING! And they can make a butt look perfect 🙊,

Also, I get pooped on , peed on, I can't think of a week that's gone by where I'm not messed on , and we're not talking about babies here, we're talking 9 year old boy messes , messes of poop, snot , it's really the theme of my life, perhaps the tittle of my Biography, "these are the poopies days of my life"


Truth is, my life can be very unpredictable, as in , I took Johnathon to emerge for a fever one time here in belleville, before I could even wrap my head around what was going on, he had a breathing tube put in and we were being air lifted to Ottawa, 
You might as well have been sending me across the world, one, I've never been there, and two , almost 3 hrs away from home to a place I knew No one! 
It was 3 days before I could get a change of clothes, and I'm pretty sure this was a time I decided to be all grown up and wear something OTHER then yoga pants, 
Sleeping and literally living in the same clothes for 3 days is a real sin in my book ,but I had no choice, 
This isn't the first time this has happened , but usually we get sent to Kingston or Toronto,
So I'm no more then 24/hrs without a change of clothes , and even that's just way too long,
So I've seemed to form a habit of always being comfortable , "just in case" without even realizing I was doing it really, 

I have jeans , I love jeans , I just don't wear them nearly enough... And you can forget ever seeing me in a pretty girly (womenly if you must) dress , and I don't do heals.. For safety concern!

I want to be a writer, well... Not just a writer really. I want to write series of children's stories , stories about Johnathon, "the adventures of Johnathon" or Adventures of Johnathon and his wheelchair" 
They will either be stories of J as a normal boy , the way I envision he would have been if life didn't interfere and make him the way he is, and maybe make him like curious George , where he's always getting into mischief ,
It maybe he would be a lot like he really is, only he goes on adventures in his wheelchair , maybe have some sort of super power , and call the series ," the adventure of Super J!",
What ever the books, they would be a collection , not sure how many, but when they were done, I would do a final book, more of a biography of who Johmathon really is in real life,

And then the books would all be best'sellers, parents all around the world would be enjoying them and reading them to their kids, and I would be the modern day Robert Munch,
Mans of course I would be rich, in would buy a full accessible house , with a huge closet , just for my yoga pants!

I always thought I'd be an actress, I think I would make a pretty awesome one,
Inl would totally be Jennifer Lawrence , I feel like her and I are some sort of soul mates,  I'm unfiltered just like her, don't care what I says, where I say it or who I say it too! I even have that warped sense of humour, anyone that knows me will back that up!

And I really loved her short hair, I think I was her inspiration ;)

But Alas, that really was nothing more then a dream, shipped had long sailed,
I never made it to the big screen,  or any screen for that matter ,( silent cry)


Everyone knows my love of rockstars , can't help it, I really believe I was a groupy in my past life,

And anyone will say that Motley Crue is my favourite band, that's cause they are, but truth is, my favourite Rockstar ,Rock God, Vocalist of all time, is, with out doubt, the one and only Steven Tyler,
Actually you have to say it like this, Steven Fucking Tyler!
I want someday to be added to his list of ex wives ,
Then ,  I can become part the show, ex wives of Rock!

One of my favourite things to do is drink wine , in Yoga pants,
Seriously, is there anything more comfortable?! I think not!

I also love yoga, it's my favourite form of exercise , and for all you doubters , it really works! I had 3 c- sections , 2 hernia repair surgerys , I think I'm in pretty darn good shape,
I'm also a big fan of eating healthy, (as I munch away on chips and dip as I type this) but I try, I try real hard!

I've never been much of an animal lover, but a while back, we accidentally got a dog (long story) I fell in love with her right away, and nkw, I couldn't imagine my life without her, she loves her new life and having a family who loves and spoils her,
Her love for us is unconditional , I guess thats the greatest thing about pets, they don't ask for much ,
they don't care what kinda house you live in, what you drive, they don't care about the name brand on your clothes, cause they don't care how you dress, there's no judgement from a pet, they care how you feel, my dog knows when I'm feeling sad, cause she won't leave my side, she will sit by me, and just cuddle, she also knows when I'm mad, if I start yelling , she runs up and hides under my bed,
Pets just wants to give you their love , and to get love in return,


And some food and water,

I know a little of what my future holds ,I don't know when , but I know a little of the what, and let me say, it scares me everyday , and part of my heart is always a little sad, it already feels a sense of loss that's unimaginable , and yet to even happen, but I also know one day it will, so I savour the time that is today, and even on a bad day, if it ends at home with all little 3 tucked away in bed , or even running around driving me crazy, I love and appreciate that day, and other days just  like it,
I try not to take for granted  any day that passes, although I fail at this sometimes, but I jolt myslef back to what's important ,

I never wanted to be a stay and home mom, for the health and well being of my son ,
I am, and somedays , mostly winter days, it drives me a little nuts, but it's nesaccary , and while it's a struggle as a one income family of 5, and while we get lost somedays I'm the struggle of stress and finances, and kids and life it's self, it's all worth it in the end, we are a close family, and were fighters, we fall, and even get burried, but we manage to climb out way back out, maybe just so we can slip and fall just to do it all over again, but it's given me the opportunity to raise and watch 3 of the most strongest , smarted, most wonderful little people I know,

My 3 - kids of course (duh!)
Our kids are little versions of our selves, the better version of us, (hopefully)
And more successful, and if I can do right by them, then at least I did that, may not have or ever will accomplish what I wanted , or thought I would,
But in will be just as happy knowing one as the best mom I could be, there no greater complaint or feeling in the world when those little eyes of my own creations tell me that they have the best mom, or how lucky that they have a mom like me in their life ❤️

And that's it,
A little story about me ,my life......

In yoga pants

one word Friday

I had full hopes of writing something fun and wonderful, and maybe even inspiring,
But I got nothing, its a snow day today, and that's the only happy thought I have for today,
It hasn't been the greatest of new year so far, with feeling of Blah...ugh...and ...Grrrr, a little sad,
little less smiles, I tried, I try real hard to dig down and pull one out from who knows where, but even if a smile appears on my face, its very short lived, due to fear, doubt and uncertainty.
 I think this is what they call the winter blues, or maybe maybe something unpleasant lies ahead, and I sure hope not, last time I had such feelings by boy ended up in the hospital for 4 months , and he has been acting a little less like himself but nothing I can put my finger on, so here's to oping he's just all right, and I'm just a big bag of cray!

So before I depressed  you any further, lets just get right to the game, its Friday, and that's what needs to happen, oh ya...and cause its fun! thanks +Juliet deWal !(and sorry, but I  copied and pasted a little more then the questions, I copied the rules too, I'm a little lazy with my tying)




Here are the ground rules for the newbies:

1. After reading my answers, copy and paste the list into your comment.
2. Change my one-word responses with yours (yes, only ONE WORD, even if it hurts the most painful of hurts).
3. Submit your comment.
4. And hey, you can always post your finished list on your blog, too. (Yes, a post idea! You’re welcome.) Enjoy.
5. THEN watch this.

You’re Feeling: worried
To Your Left: door
On Your Mind: life
Last Meal Included: cabbage
You Sometimes Find it Hard To: math
The Weather: snowy
Something You Have a Collection of: concert tickets
A Smell that Cheers You Up: coffee
A Smell that Can Ruin Your Mood: Cigarettes
How Long Since You Last Shaved: today
The Current State of Your Hair: mess
The Largest Item On Your Desk/Workspace Right Now (besides computer): phone
Your Skill with Chopsticks: questionable
Which Section You Head to First In the Bookstore: biography
…and After That?: kids
Something You’re Craving: chocolate
How Many Times You’ve Been Hospitalized this Year: Zero
A Favorite Place to Go for Quiet Time: bed
You’ve Always Secretly Thought You’d Be a Good: nurse
Something that Freaks You Out a Little: my boy
Something You’ve Eaten Too Much of Lately: unsure
You Have Never: spandex
You Never Want To: lose
You Really Want To: win

I had to cheat once with 2 words, I love my boy, but he sure freaks me out sometimes

The time Steven Tyler never came to dinner

Though I love all and everything Steven Tyler (I like to call myself his future ex wife), this actually has very little to do with him, for some reason I had the tittle '' the time Steven Tyler never came to dinner" stuck in my head, so why not use it anyway.

 so even though I never really invited Steven Tyler over for Dinner, There was that time, I did have 3rd row concert seats when I was like 20, i was taking my Dad for his Birthday, was really gong to score "best daughter ever" with that one (sorry Michelle and Kayla, you understand right), well, It didn't happen, just hours before the concert ended, Steven Tyler had to cancel the show due to a headache...CRUSHED! the show was not re scheduled. so, no Steven , and no Daughter of the year .

I want to take back myself a little, my love of music, Rock stars, 80's music still live inside of me.
Though The 80's was not my ERA, I was all of 10 when it ended. Lets never talk about the '90s era, Not much good came out it, at least music wise.
Nothing can brighten my day more then my sons bright eyes, and playing Areosmith real loud, while I clean house, or strap on my headphones and go walking, Steven Tyler's voice goes with Everything!

 Ive also took up yoga a month and some ago, and I love it! really really love it, and Ive been faithful to it,and eating healthier , which means, I mainy only shop in the produce section, I live on veggies, fruit, eggs, chicken , and homemade soups. I have a true love and passion for spinach, it goes with everything, I can hide it real well in food too.
 I make sure to get out for fresh air when ever I can, being couped up inside is enough to drive anyone crazy.
 Doing just these little things do help and my jeans have never fit better.


 Being a stay at home mom of 3 and to a complex boy 24/7, has a way of making you forget who you really are, you develop a pattern of only tending to house and kids, and sleep? well...that's something long ago .

 I get a little sad, have feelings o worthlessness, Some days, I just wish I could get up and go out to work like everyone else, being a single income household is a real struggle sometimes, and you have to make every penny count, and there's not much left for savings,
but also just to get out and do my own thing, among other adults who call me by my first name , instead of mom.

 But for the most part, I love being home with my kids, truly watching them grow and knowing I'm not missing anything of their little lives, and that I can take true pride in all they accomplish , knowing i had just a little part in their success.

 And I wouldn't want no one else to come in and take care of Johnathon (my complex boys) He and I have come into a world that sometimes feels like its just he and I, we depend on each other like the air we breath, I love him so, and never want to face a life without him, I don't think there is a world for me without him. however, there is that once or twice a year I steak of to a rock concert , a few hours all to myself drooling of the leather pan-tattooed hotness on stage, oh ya...and the great music too.

 So if I find myself getting ,down, I just pick my long face up off the ground, and think its not that bad, nothings ever really that bad and its always going to be alright, its always going to be alright.

 Oh and @IamStevenT , please do feel free to come to Dinner if you wish! besides, I think you owe me!

 

the wiching hour

 So I though I would come and Visit this abandoned blog of mine, its been a while ,
 I'm busy, I'm a mom, and I'm unfaithful (look up "the Johnathon Diaries, " that's where I moved all the stories of my boy), and I'm just not very dedicated, but theres so much to say and write about , which I won't , cause also, I'm a little lazy,

 Ive had a really strange week, nothings really as it seems, I have moods that are all put out of place, feel some sort of unsettling in the air, its unnerving really, and my boy, well...hes just been acting a little funny, but in ways I can't really explain, well, I could if I tried, but I don't wanna, it makes me worry, I call this the "witchy hours" . some kind of haunting in the air. And I'm just nervous about everything, i packed a suitcase to go to Toronto the other day, because my son wasn't feeling good. by the time I got all ready to leave, he calmed down, and it was real icy out so I opted to stay, but that suitcase is still packed, aah, heck, its always pre packed (you don't EVER want to get stranded without a toothbrush, deodorant, and clean under ware , for goodness sakes!) ya, its happened, that's all I wanna say there!

  So anyway , during my lazy and unfaithfulness  to my own writing, I do read others faithfully,
one of my favourites its @julietdeWal, shes a twitter friend, and one HECK of a writer!(she sells books too, written by her of course)  and this is her game!

After reading my answers, copy and paste the list into your comment.

Change my two-word responses with yours (that’s right – two words only).

Submit your comment. Go over to your blog. Add your own. Let me know, and I’ll come play there, too.

1. What wakes you: my boy
2. Your initial look in the mirror reveals: scary hair
3. You usually first put on: slippers
4. Your closet: a mess 
5. Your mood before 11am: questionable
   
6. The first thing you look at online after email: twitter
7. Something you tend to snack on: carrots
   
8. What you see out your front door: Moria high school
9. Your takeout menus: Swiss chalet
10. Number of boxes of tissue out in your home right now: o #fail
    
11. The way you sneeze would read: SHIT!!!
12. Number of times a day you probably brush your hair: don't
13. The most predominant thing in your pantry: cereal
14. A smell commonly coming from your kitchen: chicken
    
15. How you sort your books: don't
16. The way you keep your place in a book: bent page
17. Something you hide when people come over: bedroom
18. Number of people normally at your table during dinner: 5
    
19. Something you put on your nightstand before bed:sat monitor( for my boy)
20. How high you pull the covers when you go to sleep:neck high

so there it is, hope you enjoy, And if this post makes no sense, well, I haven't slept in 8yrs, and I'm a little tired:)
 

success

This year was a mile stone for us, as my youngest ventured off into his own little world known as School.Our life at that moment became surreal to me. Of course I was sad, my babys first day of school, But also , he wasn't sad he was leaving me, no tears, tempers about going, NOHING! I got nothing but pure joy and exiement from him about going. Then it hit me...this is a good thing! I've somehow by the luck of God raised 3 confident kids, who all have a real zest for life, who are not afraid of change, who are ready to take on the world with no fear. My 8yo stared grade 3 this year, and lets face it, she was born with a pencil in her hand, she loves school and always has, this year she was exited to star school , she couln' t wait to see what new things she was going to learn,she keeps talking about being on stage someday somehow and she doesn't care what she will be doing " because I can do anyhing,and im a real good at singing too" she says, and she can act out anything, all thanks to a play I took her to see when she was 3, "The Wizard Of Oz" Shes determained to do what ever it is she wants and she doesn't stop trying until she perfects it. I pitty ANYONE who dare sand in her way.

My youngest is a real fireball whos lifes mission is to KNOW EVERYTHING, including everyones name, hes quick and can figure anything out, the things that come out of his mouth are beyond his years sometimes, other times he has you keeling over in pain from laugher, and hes always humming and singing and DANCING, hes ALWAYS dancing!

Then my middle boy, he doesn't and will never be going to school, through all his complex needs , and all he has going against him hes a FIGHTER! he has the real will to live,he just fights through what ever lifes dishes to him , it may take longer others times then some but he comes out smiling , he doesn't care about the kind of house he lives in, what toys he doesn't have, the fact he can't even tase the joy of food, he just wants to be loved! and he loves right back! He has the abiliy to touch the lives of all the people around him. He has taught me the real meaning of life, and love, and to just enjoy the pureness of each day, all the little things it has to offer and to take nothing for granted,,we are ALL on borrowed time. This is a brief summary of my 3 kids, my hearts greaest joy, and how I measure my Success, its not the size of our bank account that matters, the car we drive, the house we live in... its our family and all we've accomplished together through good weather and bad.. and my kids, well rounded, confident , ready for the world , and im so proud to say I was apart of them turning into the wonderful little people they are growing up to be... thats my success, whats yours??

landslide (confessions of a mom of a special needs boy)

So here I am... this post is a mixture of landslide(song by Stevie Nicks) and confession... confessions I have being a mom of a special needs boy, its just not all glitter and fame!


 First off, I don't like writing blogs, not at all, though I truly enjoy reading other peoples blog, it gives a glimpse inside their world , getting some idea of who they truly are, but for me, it feels like an insult to what I really want to write, a tell all book of raising a son who is medically complex, through his 24\hr care, and how we make it through another day, and at teh same time, trying to find some normalcy for our family and other 2 children.
Somehow I ended up turning to blog writing now and then, and that makes me feel like a bit of a quitter, but I did manage to write some memories down both good and some not so good.

 As always there is a theme song as there is to all my posts, this one is "Landslide" the origonal one, by Stevie Nicks, I like all origonal songs best, and I can't beggin to tell you how I feel about those nasty Dixie chicks doing a horrible, butcher cover of it, FAIL!!! who even likes those girls anyway?!?
http://youtu.be/WM7-PYtXtJM

 As I look back on my life, there is a big part of me that wants to reach out to that girl that use to be me, a girl that was mixed up, dazed, and lost , and i want to give her a big hug and tell her its going to be all right! and maybe let her know that running shoes and dress pants was not okay, no matter how cool i thought I looked! and that hair really wasn't working for her!( lets just say , im glad no one really gets perms anymore)
I like who I am today, a lot better then who I was, im stable, I have a functioning brain(most the time) and I have my priorities order, and I have my kids to thank for that, and my son, my special boy with speial needs, thanks to having him, makes me feel like Ive grown into my own skin, And it doesn't hurt so bad when I look at that girl in the mirror, that same special boy has also taught me whats really imporant in life, and that petty things, are just that, petty!
 Having said that doesn't mean I don't get sad, or wonder what might be, if I didn't have 3 healthy kids, no issues, just the regular stuff everyday parents face,
I think about time to myself , and how very little of that I actually have, and what it must be like to just get up and go.. to have a regular babysiiter, a night out just my husband and I? or a girls night out, to ask crazy and do things that I will regret the next morning, but knew that it was still fun!

 Then I get guilt ridden! I instantly feel bad for having such thoughts, and I should be punished! and when my son falls ill, I feel that was my punishment for ever thinking such things. those voices in my head coming back to haunt me...

 Truth is, even though i may wonder, i wouldn't trade my life o my son for ANYTHING! I love both my life and that boy endlessly, truth is, I have respite money set aside, I could find a qualified erson to help with my son, But i always find reasons not too, saying they just don't exist, cause in my head they don't.. i feel noone is as good as me to care for my special boy, and a part of me doesn't want there to be, cause then it takes away from me, that someone may be better, and as good as I am at taking care of him, it will take away what im so good at, making me feel, less important, undoing who ive become, who I feel I am today.. feel free to stop reading if this makes no sense!

 I also wonder time to time, what my boy would be like if he was like his brother and sister?
would he still be a quiet boy who doesn't say too much? would he also do as he was told, ? would
he sit quietly and play, ammusing himself, stay out the fueds his brother and sister get ino daily?would he be the boy that if I didn't see him wouldn't know he was there?
then I look at him and who he is, and i smile, he's my perfect boy anyway.

Theres not always answers to why kids have special needs, doesn't mean i don't wonder what went wrong?  Just don't believe " its just Gods way" theory, why wold he want this for kids? innocent little creatures who never even asked for life, it was just chosen for them? so yes, I do blame myself, ive never addmitted this out loud, always said the oppsoite, infact, I did everyting right during pregnacncy , but i can't help wonder, did i miss something? not feel something when i should have? or feel something I shouldn't have felt?
truth is, I often feel this isn't who my boy was suppose to be, but I didn't get him the help he first needed when I felt so hard there was something wrong, noone would listen to me, noone would hear the cries of a mother who repeatly said, 'theres somethig just not right with my son"! by the time it was proves i was right, it was too late, to much time of a newborn life was waisted, and now my boy pays the price, of me not shouting louder for someone to listen, I feel i didn't fight hard enough then, and now it seems all I do is fight, I fight to get him the care I know he needs, I don't let anyone try and tell me what he needs, if I don't like the care he gets, I go elsewhere, I fight to keep my boy alive when others felt I should let go... now I know the game, I know how to fight, but did I back then? tears and anger for mysef overwhelm me, i can't go back..

 My tired confession is just that, Im tired! there are some nights, I just want to drag my tired self to bed, and not worry about carting up feeding/suction supplies behind me, or have to get up every few hrs to tend to my boy, or if for some reason he decides that night he's not going to sleep, then as tired as i am, star awake with him, but most of the time, it doesn't matter to me as tired as I am, I do it anyway, cause love wins everytime!

 Then there's the medical, I hate that my sons reqired 24hr oxygen in order to breath, it breaks my heart, hes only 6! but for now, its what he needs and what I love, is is ability to breath easier, and have a cold, and not land in the ICU or a dragged out hostpital stay everytime, and it gives him the ability to fight of this heat and humidity just a little easier.
 i hate that my son had to be suctioned in ordered to maintaine a clear upper airway, but love the fact
that parents are now given the knowledge and tools to do such things so our little ones can maintaine a home life with a mom and dad, that love them surrounded by the rest of their family who also love them! it shows such how far our healthcare has come by letting us do so.

  When it comes to eating, it was never an easy thing for my boy, he struggled for the first 8months of his life , with us finding ways to modify ways to keep him eating my mouth, but finally came the feeding tube, I have regrets about that, even thou I said I didn't, I feel I just didn't try hard enough, find a way around the tube, after it was put it, it became too easy to feed him, I no longer tried to feed
him by mouth, i was scared, it seems to dangerous, and it was just eaier not too, and now i sit and wonder, if I kept trying, would he be able to have taste today? would he now have no need for a feeding tube?  I see how hard other parents fight to feed their children and what a great job they are doing,
then I feel sad, I should have been that kind of parent who worked that hard on my sons feeding, and not give up, just cause a tube went it, but my son has now gained weight, and he no longer has failure to thrive, and that , makes my heart happy to see, but at the cost of deprivimg my son from ever tasting his food? I will never know what might have been , and now with his lack of ability to swollow as he should, food, him, and his mouth cordination have become a danger zone, we dare not go...

Dr's once thought my son would be able walk, but as he grew, it became clear that he will never walk,
and the ability to raise his tiny hands to his mouth have vanished with time, and the cause is still unknown
I do miss that little baby who would roll from one side to the other, and suck endlessly on his fngers, I wonder where it all went wrong, then I think of his medication, he was so early medicated  to stop the frequent seizers he was having, but was that what stopped all his mobility?  or was this what was going to happen with time?  We got here how ever we got here, And I love my the same as if he could do all the things that i had hoped he would do.

  I live with the thoughts daily that one day, my little boy is not going to physically be with me anymore, and that he's going to be for the first time, be all alone, and so will I, i have no idea how I would overcome from this, he is attached to my soul, every part of who he is, how he feel how he breaths is attached to me in just a way I can not put into words,
I get scard when hes sick or unwell, but im the only person in this world who is not afffraid of him as a child ad who he is, who looks into his eyes and can see the bright spirit, joy, and love that lives inside of him, his eyes that talk so loud, but when sick, are so quiet...

 Just like the song says, "ive been fraid of changes, cause I built my life round you"

stands true in so many ways for my son and I... I don't like him in the care of others, and he doesn't like anyone but me to care for him, and together he and I grew on that, and thatts how ive built the past 6yrs of my life, and im in no way complaining!


 Girls nights out may be few and far between, I still go out, mainly to rock concerts, that part of me has yet to go away, my endless love of rockstars!! or a shopping trip here and there, and date nights are behind close doors with my husband, but lets face it, those are the best kind,
im ok with all this, cause i love my boy, and my kids more.
 
These confessions may not seem like alot , but it tells just who I am, and not who i use to be,
landslide moves us all along, we all get older and change with the change times, but it doesn't stop us from looking back on a life that once was or the way we imagined it would be, and the free thoughts of wondering what if?...

I don't like mondays (Bob Geldof)

Bob Geldof sure had it write when he sang his hot song,(one I really LOVE!) "I don't like Mondays"
this past Mondays was one of them!
 We finally had our long awaited appointment for our son for seating clininc at Holland blurview rehabilitation centre , after being on the waiting list for 6 months, and something that has been long needed and over due, I was exited! 
Well, Monday didn't corroperate too well, my Son woke up, rather miserable, legs shaking out the norm., red face, red blood shot eyes, and for the first time in a long time, he hadn't slept a wink the night before, I was hopinmg he was just tired, and continued to get ready for our travel, but I could not get rid of this nagging feeling in the back of my head, I was very unsettled, nervous like, I checked my boys numbers(sat. prob on finger) he was breathing ok, but heart rate was rather higher then normal,)  I gave him advil as I always do when travelling long distance, to give him comfort, but as the line in the song goes, "the silicone chip inside her head gets switched to over load", I may not have a silicone chip, but my brain did switch to over load!
My sister came over to pick up my other two kids, she agreed to watch them for the day,(brave woman being she already has two kids of her own), and an other line in the song,"nobodys going to go to school today, shes going to make them stay at home" well... that applies to my daughter, I kept her out of school so my sister wouldn't have the added stress of picking her up with a zoo of kids;0

Still not feeling comfortable, we load up the van, and head off to Toronto...
Both my husband and I kept looking back at my boy as we drove, he just didn't look his best, I aslo tried giving him a dose of tylonal as well in hopes he would settle , but his breathing looked a little fast, still red squinty eyes, when he pulled over in the truck stop to fuel up on caffiene, and empty my ever so full that morning blatter, I checked his numbers again, heart rate still high, advil AND tylonal, not yet doing the trick, but we continue anyway, my nerves not setteling , only getting worse,
our appointment was for 1:00 pm, I knew we were going to be late,
Finally after hitting cobourg, my sister text me, minutes earlier when I checked in, the kids were great and having such a great time, then she text and tells me my 4yo is sick to his belly, that really would not have bothered me, but this kids NEVER gets sick! thats it!!!! I had it, we turned around and headed home! it was a clear cut sign we were not ment to do this today,
I told by boy who was loooking so unwell in the back seat we were going home, And I swear I saw a grin on his face, a look of relief,
we went straight to my sisters and picked up my other two, turns out, a bowl of oatmeal dropped on the floor, causing my 4yo to gag, then puke, good news: he was not sick after all!
bad news: he does have a gag reflex to a lot of things, and spilled oatmeal on the floor looking like something else, was a good set off!
after getting home, I put my boy on the couch and let him lay therre in just his diaper, he relaxed, heart rate went down and a complete look of comfort came over him.
so  a trip to emerge was thankfully avoided, my nerves settled , just a little, I took the rest of my stress level , and do what I do best when stressed, clean house, and re clean what I already cleaned, 3 or 4 times, cause I just can't sit when worried or stressed, just ask anyone in my house!
my boy stayed settled the rest of the night , he caught up on much nedded sleep when he went to bed.
Though this may not seem like such a big deal of a day, and I have had worse Mondays, this still was a big deal to me, in a not so good way, but never under estimate the power of communication. even from a boy who can't talk, he will always find his own way to communicate with me, after all comunication comes in many forms!
Luckily my son had a schedualed appointment with his pediatrician the next day, and my poor boy is fighting something, so hes now on antibiotics, and already doing soo soooooo much better!

So conclusion to this story?
"what reasons does there have to be.... I don't like mondays, I don't like Mondays, I want to shoot oooot the whole day down!