lullaby

I will sing to you a lullaby,
we'll sit on a cloud way up high,
looking down the world below,
heavens awaiting,
it was time to go,

I will sing to you a lullaby,
you no longer have to see me cry,
now we can be free,
you can be who your meant to be,
I wont't let you be alone,
theres 2 carvings on one stone,


I will sing to you a lullaby,
way up high, looking down below,
hearts were saying its time to go
through our spirits as the wind blows

I will sing to you a lullaby,
like a bird who can now fly,
a heart no longer aches,
to you I couldn't say goodbye,
I will sing to you a lullabye,
in a place, I no longer cry,
now we can be happy and free
who we were ment to be,

I sing to you a lullaby,
I will sing to you a lullaby,
we'll sit on a cloud way up high,
looking down the world below,
through our spirit as the wind blows

I will sing to you a lullaby,
to the rest who I love,
we are watching from above,
I sing to you a lullaby,
no longer afraid to close my eyes,
no longer a lost soul,
no longer feel that dark hole,
I sing to you a lullaby,
to my boy, I could not say goodbye,
I will sing to him a lullaby,
he longer see's his mom cry,
our journy here has come to an end,
couldn't let him be without a friend,
i sing to you a lullaby
I will always be by yourside,

I will sing to you a lullaby,
we had to say goodbye,
relationships failed,
others derailed,
once love now gone,
this is our song,

I will sing to you a lullaby,
we'll sit on a cloud way up high,
looking down the world below,
heavens awaiting,
it was time to go,
I will sing to you a lullaby

beautiful boy

good morning beautiful boy, today you turn six,
every year older is another mile stone,
another story of how far you've come,
not forgetting the road behind,
and the days that were most unkind,
but through every experience both good and bad,
there was a lesson learned, even ones more sad,
good morning beautiful boy, today you turn six,
I loved you before I knew your name,
and if I only knew what life had instore for you,
I would still have loved you just the same,
though my dreams I had of you riding a bike,
running around, hearing you say my name,
still brings tears to my eyes, i look back and wonder
to you I say this, I can not lie, and I wonder why?
good morning my beautiful today you turn six,
though you may not walk, in your wheelchair you will stride
and I know you know my name, I see it in your eyes,
I am you mommma, most proud, you are my boy,
I promised to never let you fall,
To fight for you is all I know how to do,
when times look at there worst, I just look at the days ahead,
we will get back to them , just look at you,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
and theres been some really happy days,
being home together with our family,
makes all those harder times just a haze,
though I would not change a thing of who you are,
to keep you healthy and home, with a brother, sister , ans daddy
who love you,
I will keep wishing on the brightest star,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
the lyrics of a song, they don't change,
but the scars of who we are really do fade with age,
if I could sing this to you in a lullaby,
knowing one day, you will be carrying to the sky,
though my heart be broken, a part of me gone,
you will run around free, think of me, now you can fly,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
I won't think about tomorrow, cauze I have you today,
lifes a mystery, I lay my heart with yours
cause two hearts beating , far better then one,
I was lost before you came along,
though I was a mother of one, things seemed to easy,
then when I had you, my lifes meaning begun,
now a proud mom of 3, I know just who im suppose to be,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
I am who I am, your who your suppose to be,
I see your spirit, it shines so bright,
the life I gave to you, and you shine in the light
though there is answers to questiones we may never know,
somehow they don't matter, they won't direct us where to go,
what we have here today, is all we know,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
the road ahead is not paved,
its the bumps and curves that led us our way,
so when people see us walk by, you see the fear in their eyes,
but once they know your name, it all goes away,
you live a little different, inside still the same,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
what do they know anyway? there words untrue,
"have a little faith in me" I heard you say,
you pulled through again, so hard I prayed,
Good morning my beautiful boy, today you turn six,
and all thats in our life, far from our view,
one thing remains the same, always is true....
how much
I love you!

another day, another chapter

I really thought after my last post I was done with writing(by the way did you read it? its called the last time), but I may have been wrong, just as the old thoughts were clearing out of my head, some new ones took up redidency:(
after just coming of a loong 9 week hostpital stay(minus 4 short days spent at home)with my son, 4 of those weeks being in the ICU stay where my had been put on a ventulator, his failure t exchange air properley due to what I like to call, muccified lungs! muccus so incredibly thick, there was just no way for him to clear the junk out himself, with very little almost no cough..
Im now finding it hard to get life back to normal, even more so, im finding it even harder to tell who is genuine and who is fake? no peole really care? or are they just trying to cover their own ass?? theres the people who have made things to terribly wrong for my son, things that involve the chair that not only does he sit it, but is dependant on as we would our legs , or our motor transportation to get around from place to place, its a set that I have been complaining about for so long now, but my voice really went on heard, and theres others too, like one that watches the curve in his back develope and yet tell me everything is go, keep up the good work,at point do people pay for making my son sick? for hurting him this way??well the answer to that is pretty simple, they don't... and at the end of the day its me! im the one that went about things all wrong,i didn't notice things getting worse, I didn't make my voice louder to make sure it was heard, I let people fail my boy, and I myself, the one person in his life that should never let him down too had failed him..im slowly picking up the pieces and moving foward with plan and for once, getting the right people involved and surrounding my son with people who really can and want to help... but I can not look back over the past few years or look at my boy and not see the damage I may have caused, and what those long term effects may be are yet unknown,
how will he ever forgive me? he doesnt even know it was really me, how do I forgive myself??tomorrows another day, and another chapter has passed, just wish I could rip out the last couple years worth of pages and re write them, I reall good and talented writer would be able to do that...
I guess im not so talented or so great after all,

the last time

I swore that the last time this would never happen again, my tears fell hard to the floor,
HOW did this happen again? who is to blame?, pain still fresh from the last time,
I swore this wouldnt happen again...
I give him my all, bring him alive for the whole world to see, I gave up the other part of me, our souls became one, only for me to be be,
I swore that the last time this would never happen again...
here we go, just a short time again, where did this start, how do I not let it end?
our world and life together has just beggun, thou feels like running on 1000 years, pretending I know everything, does anyone see through my pain and understand my fears?
I swore the last time this woulnt happen again...
I sat in the chapel wondering if I had the right to pray, when everyone around me was asking for the same,
please lord, I gave him my life, dont take him away,
I swore that the last time, this wouldnt happen again...
but here I sit, again at your door, just give us more time,
when time is all im asking for,
I know the day may be near, but its not for me to decide,
but when that faitful day comes around how do I say goodbye?
maybe i can go with him, staring out a 7th floor window,
How great it would be to fall,
I swore that the last time, this would not happen again,
I want the pain to go away, I no longer want to cry, I want to live
with him always..by myside. so when that day may come I will not say goodbye,
I will go away with him, so he won't be shy, together we wont cry,
I swore that the last time, this would not happen again...
I failed on my words, we went there again, I look back on my mistakes
while I just sat and help his hand, where ever you go, I will be there with you,
but dont give up on me, and I will fight for you,
i swore that the last time, but how do I stop this from happening again?

I look into those eyes and this is what I see
A bright eyed boy looking back at me
Through times a tough and my hope fails,
I need to keep going, my thoughts derailed
I believe in my boy, he will tell all
I try not to lose faith, and let him fall
im always on his side, with my spirit run down
I search for the light, then stand my ground
I remember why we're here, my job is clear
to bring him alive, the boy they all fear
As the days go on, patience run thin
but there's a battle in him he always wins
I'm sorry for the times I let you down
I try to stay strong, not show my frown
There's something about you my boy so rare
and with the rest of the world I want to share
just who you are and what I am
some day soon all will be right again
to my johnathon, my son, my friend,
I will believe in you, fight till the very end

hostpital bound and powerless

Ever since I had kids all I ever wanted is
to do all and be all they deserve and need me to be,
so its without doubt that I would be the same
with my boy.
Im his only care taker, im the only one who takes
care of him 24/7, when he gets sick, i become
overwhelmed with guilt.
I replay in my mind what I did wrong? Even though
logic says kids get sick, that's just the way it is?
but...for my boy, when he gets sick, he can get
REALLY sick, and end up hostpital and those Hospital
stays can be VERY Long, and very lonely.
I stay by his bedside day and night, never leave,giving
me alot of time to think, and...thinking on lack
of sleep and nutrition can be dangerous.
I start questioning, is he getting better?
Is thhe treatment right? Is he in the right place?
Do I have the right people in his care? So on
and so on....I hate it, at home I always know
just how he's feeling, and what may be wrong, and how to fix
what may be wrong, here Im powerless, I know lonnger
know, and im powerless to help him, powerless
to fix him and make his world better once again
Here i have to put all my trust into ONE person
to be the one to make things right again and send us back home
to our family, who on top of a hard hostpital
stay with a sick boy, I miss with all my heart

While my other 2 are being well cared for my their dad,
I feel like a part time mom, and is so unfair to
those kids, they are without a mom, and I hate missing
so much of their little lives, cause their only
little for so long,but at the end of the day, I need
to be where Im needed the most but that doesn't
stop me from crying mysellf too sleep at night.

When Im assured my boy is gettting better it
helps make the day a little more barable,
I spend so much of my life telling others and
assuring others just who and how my boy
is,and trying to just stay focused day to day,
when when we're here and he is sick, I just want
someone to tell ME everything is going to be ok,
I want my turn to be assured.
I have so many quuestions, there's answers I need
but when you get a doctor for all of 5 minutes a day,
you become frustrated and hopeless and even feel abandoned
Logic knows the Doctor is busy and has many other
patience in a day, but my heart only knows my boy
is sick and that there is nothing I can do to
make it all go away, leaving me, sad, powerless,

This is what's its like to be the mother of a sick
boy in the Hospital,
at the end of the day, I just want a healthy boy once
again and tooo go home.

3 little wonders

I was reading a twitter friends blog today, at the end she asked,"what are some of the things that make you happy?
without having to think to hard, the answer would without doubt be my kids.
all 3.
I don't mention all 3 kids in my blogs, I talk mostly about my boy with special needs.
Its not that I love him more, or spend more time with him,
I write about him mostly in hopes to get the world to see him as I do.. or even any kids with special needs, I my hope is for people who see these kids who may look a little different yes, but are still kids inside.
I hope that when you see them, you will think of the struggle they have to go through on a daily basis just to survive another day, but inside there is still a child that just wants and needs to be loved, just the way they are.
my boy may not be able to talk to you , but he speaks right to my heart every day,
he eyes so big that when hes happy they sparkle and are so bright, through those eyes, he tells me when he's not feeling good, when he's tired and when he's happy, and through those eyes, he tells me that he loves me!
all 3 of my kids make me complete, they've given me a true purpose in life, being their mom, they fight alot and very loud at times, but I take no day for granted, as they are growing up so very fast,
they are so hungry for knowledge, they have so many questions about everything, they just want to know everything there is to know, though I dont always have answers for their on going questions, im so very proud about their willingness to learn and to conquer, they are going to do so many great things with their lives, and I can only hope I had a small part in what they are doing, who they are and who they are going to be.
my 7yr old, is school smart, she can read beyong her years and write stories in her journal that lets me know whats going through her mind,
she loves to win in everything she does, she won't be defeted, I feel sorry for anyone who dare challenge her, and she is beautiful, in the most beautiful way, inside and out.
my 4yr old is smart in a dectective way, absolutley nothing gets by him without him noticing it! he will know anyones name that walks by him, he has to know everything about them, he's not affraid to fit in with a crowd, he just joins on where ever he feels like, I dare anyone to try and stop him,he loves sports, anything with a ball, he's got the build of a football player,hes got the biggest heart, loves to hug everyone good bye,he also has the loudest scream and biggest temper of any boy I know, but he makes up for it with his quickness to appologize, hes cute as cute can be.
both my kids are each others best friends and together can get through anything.
All 3 kids have the same big dark brown eyes that can read my mind and talk to my soul, so full of life and wisdome, and their always full of hugs and kisses, and I love u's.
As for my 5yr old, I've already wrote about just look back on my previous blogs!
I love all 3 of my kids equally , but each in different ways, I love them for the person each one is, and are going to be.
its alot of work being a parent, noone ever said it was easy, so if I need a little pick me up or boost just to get modivated? I turn on a motley crue song, that always get me going, and motley crue is another thing that makes me very happy:))