my songs

http://youtu.be/WM7-PYtXtJM

Monday, October 10, 2011

I look into those eyes and this is what I see
A bright eyed boy looking back at me
Through times a tough and my hope fails,
I need to keep going, my thoughts derailed
I believe in my boy, he will tell all
I try not to lose faith, and let him fall
im always on his side, with my spirit run down
I search for the light, then stand my ground
I remember why we're here, my job is clear
to bring him alive, the boy they all fear
As the days go on, patience run thin
but there's a battle in him he always wins
I'm sorry for the times I let you down
I try to stay strong, not show my frown
There's something about you my boy so rare
and with the rest of the world I want to share
just who you are and what I am
some day soon all will be right again
to my johnathon, my son, my friend,
I will believe in you, fight till the very end

Sunday, October 9, 2011

hostpital bound and powerless

Ever since I had kids all I ever wanted is
to do all and be all they deserve and need me to be,
so its without doubt that I would be the same
with my boy.
Im his only care taker, im the only one who takes
care of him 24/7, when he gets sick, i become
overwhelmed with guilt.
I replay in my mind what I did wrong? Even though
logic says kids get sick, that's just the way it is?
but...for my boy, when he gets sick, he can get
REALLY sick, and end up hostpital and those Hospital
stays can be VERY Long, and very lonely.
I stay by his bedside day and night, never leave,giving
me alot of time to think, and...thinking on lack
of sleep and nutrition can be dangerous.
I start questioning, is he getting better?
Is thhe treatment right? Is he in the right place?
Do I have the right people in his care? So on
and so on....I hate it, at home I always know
just how he's feeling, and what may be wrong, and how to fix
what may be wrong, here Im powerless, I know lonnger
know, and im powerless to help him, powerless
to fix him and make his world better once again
Here i have to put all my trust into ONE person
to be the one to make things right again and send us back home
to our family, who on top of a hard hostpital
stay with a sick boy, I miss with all my heart

While my other 2 are being well cared for my their dad,
I feel like a part time mom, and is so unfair to
those kids, they are without a mom, and I hate missing
so much of their little lives, cause their only
little for so long,but at the end of the day, I need
to be where Im needed the most but that doesn't
stop me from crying mysellf too sleep at night.

When Im assured my boy is gettting better it
helps make the day a little more barable,
I spend so much of my life telling others and
assuring others just who and how my boy
is,and trying to just stay focused day to day,
when when we're here and he is sick, I just want
someone to tell ME everything is going to be ok,
I want my turn to be assured.
I have so many quuestions, there's answers I need
but when you get a doctor for all of 5 minutes a day,
you become frustrated and hopeless and even feel abandoned
Logic knows the Doctor is busy and has many other
patience in a day, but my heart only knows my boy
is sick and that there is nothing I can do to
make it all go away, leaving me, sad, powerless,

This is what's its like to be the mother of a sick
boy in the Hospital,
at the end of the day, I just want a healthy boy once
again and tooo go home.