Going back to the begining when my son was first born and I was first introduced to the "voices in my head" being a mom already to a little girl not yet 2, it was some what easy for me to tell, there was something not quite right with my new baby boy. From the time he was born he use to continuosly spit up ALL the time,. and I remember trying to feed him for the first time, he had sort of a flappy latch to the bottle(yes he was bottle fed, after a terrible experience breast feeding with my daughter, I just thought this to be the way to go), it seemed as if it took him a bit to get orgonized enough to suck on a bottle. A voice in my head kept telling me somthing was not right) and his cry when he came out(via c section,due to my unability to have a natural child birth) was so small and quiet I thought. expressing my concerns with my new baby to the pediatrician on call, he told me he was fine, and all babies spit up. (because my daughter never spit up, it was new to me), but I still had voices telling me , this was not normal.
'Before discharge I remember well, they put my boy on a scale, the first time it showed he was below birth weight, they re tried him on the same scale, they said there was a discrepancy in the scale, your boy is fine, go home.
At home with my n son, he was still spitting up , never a projectile vomit, just a continuous spit up till I thought for sure there could not be anything left in his little belly, and still with a disorgonized latch to his bottle, I found him too, very sleepy, even for a new born, he would never awake on his own during the night to eat ( I remember all to well, how my daughter, cried the house down till you fed her), but everyone would say, "oh thats a good thing, he will sleep through the night no problem!"
, feeling so alone with my concerns, I often cried, knowing something was wrong with my boy, these voices were talking in my head, but I was the only one who would listen to them.
At the age of 3 weeks, I took my son to teh walk in clinic(my family Doctor was on vacation), he sounded so noisy in his chest, and he had a cough everytime he ate, teh Doctor at the clininc looked at my boy, said he was fine, jsut a small cold, I even expressed my concerns with the spitting up and of course, he said, thats normal,I even had concerns about how the top of my sons head had sunk in at the top, kind of like a slope, again, I was told it was fine, follow up with your family doctor. Feeling rejected yet again, I went home.
'Finally, at one month,(my boy, 4 weeks old) I got him in to see my family Doctor, he first put him on the scale, and with a look of confusion on my Doctors face, he put my boy back on the scale, and the horrible llok on his face, and the words I remember all to well today, "hes still at his birth weight"!
The doctor gave my son a quick look over, he looked at the sunk in head my boy had at teh top, he told me, it was a sign of dehydration, he walked out of the room for a minute, I felt so terrified, my fears were starting to come true, there was something awfully wrong, the Doctor came back in the room, and said, I just spoke to the Hostpital, when you leave here, you need to take your boy straight there, they will be waiting for you,.
Terrified, thats what I did.
the pediatrician on call( he was not a local pediatrician, he was just filling in, due to shortage od doctors), first the resident came in and took down all the information, even interrogating me, accusing me of not feeding my boy enough, letting him go hungry, never have I felt so upset, and confused, and ANGRY at the same time!! how dare they say I was doing this to my boy!! after weeks of telling people, anyone and everyone, even before he was discharged from the hostpital, that something was not right!!!, I explained to the doctor about his spitting up, and what do you think he said?? , ya thats probably normal he said, not to worried about that!(of course), he finally did, say to me, I clearly cared for my boy, and was not intentionally hurting him, Well..DUH, yes, I love my boy with out doubt, and I not only loved him, but was his only fighter, fighting was seemed an endless battle to show my boy was in trouble and needed help.I remember the Doctor saying to me, couldn't you tell he wasn't gaining weight?? how was I to know, he was tiny, yes, but he was still a new born, I see him everyday, of course I couldn't tell! then overwelmed with guilt and tears, how cold have I not known??, finally he gave me name of a new formula to try for a few days, a hypoallergenic one, to see if he could keep it down, while the whole time, kept telling my he most likely had cystic fybrosis. Then, i remember his last words, im going to reffer him to the hostpitals pediatrician, cause im actually retired, and well..im just tired,!, never so bad had I wanted to tell someone to get the hell out of my face as I did him!, so...we my husband , my baby boy and I went to the drug store, picked up his new formula and went home.
and we researched cystic fybrosis., no symtom fitted my son, even the spitting up, we was only spitting up small amounts at a time, just continuously, unlike cystic fybrosis, more of a projectile vomit, just nothing seem to fit at all, and the voice in my head, said that mean man of a Doctor was wrong. After a few days on the new formula, still spitting up, and now, my boy crying but barley making a noise, we were off to the hostpital to meet the pediatrician.
'under the pediatricians advice we tried him on another new formula, one that was thickened, for babies that spit up, and some stomach medicine to calm any accid down in his belly, I did ask why (at this point my son still had a noisy sounding chest) he told me it was most likley reflux, and that too would explaine his coughing while he ate, at he said of course, dont worry too much about him spitting up, its normal, babies do that, he sent us back home, just for a day or 2, he said, if when you come back , and he'
s still not gaining weight, we will have to admitt him.
fast foward 3 days later, and we were admitted to the hostpital...
'to be continued....
