Then till now

Ten fingers,ten toes, a perfect baby,
But soon you didn't grow

Perfect

God has sent to me the chosen one,

With him, my boy, my life had finally begun. through heartache and tears and come what may we held out hope we made it another day. I love him a plenty, he is my perfect boy, he brings more to my life, knowledge and such joy. accept him for who he be, theres no such thing as imperfect, we call it special needs. I have no shame in he who came to me, I feel blessed and honered, he was chosen for me. throu goodtimes and sorrow, I will still find the joy, God gave me my perfect boy. Hold his hand, touch his face, don't be afraid, its no disgrace. Though lost in a crowd, with the stares so loud, I stand behind him so proud! , you are who you are ment to be, that I can so clearly see, your the better part of me. I tried to hide me, but never from you, who knows just who I am, you believed in all I could do, You keep on holding on, with my strenth I gave to you, somewhere deep I always knew, I may not be your perfect Mom, god knows my faults are true but im doing the best I can always know, I love you. and when the skies are gray, you bring out the sun, the happiest days, my beautiful Son. Don't worry if you see me cry, its just an expression, that the world should try. "have a little faith in me" has become our song, I swear I heard you say it, those lyrics are so strong, I stayed where I belonged, through those nights so long, I found a friend, in what became our song. God gave to me my pefect boy, through him, my life I found such joy, He is who he is ment to be, everything im not, He's the better version of me.

prayer

Say a prayer for my boy tonight, in bed at night, doesn't end his fight, Say a prayer for my son, who still held on, before his life begun, say a prayer for the strong, all thats going against them, in a world, they still belong, Say a prayer for the mom, who has strength to go on, but who's road just begun, say a prayer for those who don't believe, their minds are not open, they have yet to see, say a prayer for the ones you don't know, life goes on around you, their hearts bleed but don't show, say a prayer for the most unkind, today they do you wrong, but everyone will soon have their time, say a prayer for the one you love, their journy goes afar, but always end up where they begun, say a prayer for answers unknown, though not yet answered, look at what you've been shown, say a prayer for those who cry, times they get stepped over, but you still see through corner of your eye, say a prayer for those who lie, they don't know the difference, there truth in disguise, say a prayer for the rich and poor, we all get the blues, just show them in different shades of new Say a prayer for Johnathon, my boy who's real, he taught me to feel, say a prayer for life, your hard struggles and times are worth the fight

love in all the right places

I really don't know how to start this but now I guess its going to start just like this. I remember when i first ment my husband, well... as we "offically" we called, common law, I hate that term, I really don't like labels being put on anything, I chose not to get married, don't really see the point, with a once divorced mom and dad, though second relationship was "common law" it lasted like 20 yrs, and then ended, I think weddings are just an over expensive party, and I don't need an exuse to have a party or alot of money either! Anyway, when I first met my , well.. we will call him by his name for lack of labels, John, I thought he was a jerk! and I told him, "your a jerk" I will leave out the condiotion he and I were in that night I met him, even thou I called him a jerk, I haven't left his side since, 13 years later.. I loved him before I even liked him, I wasn't looking for anything of the kind when I first met him, I was freshly 20, but had a lot of years of wrong turns and bad decisions, I was anything but comfortable with myself , who I was where Ive been and where I was headed, but that night, EVERYTHING changed, I found love , though I didn't even know it yet at that time, but it was love found in all the right placces. Then after 5 years together we had our daughter, I never wanted to have kids, I was convinced I would be a bad mom, I didn't feel I had the know how , or what it took, But I did become a mom, and my whole world changed and only for the better, I didn't know I was capable of loving someone so much as I did the moment I laid my eyes on her, and to have someone love me back just as much as unconditionaly , almost 2yrs later, I had my son, my beautiful boy, who has special needs, though I was unaware of just how special at the time, I didn't want kids, yet here I was with 2, my heart grew, i was filled with even more love, never did i imagine having 3 kids, after being through so much in the short year i had my son, It would be unfair to him to bring another baby into complete yet complicated family, that year was 2006, 2007, I had my last boy!(and by last I mean LAST!) surprise!, I cried and cried when I first found out we were going to have another baby, i didn't think it was going to be managable, we did it, he was the best addition to complete our now family of 5, and though I didn't know how we were going to manage another baby, with having my daughter and my son who by this time had just complex medical needs, but my heart grew 3X , and here I am now a mother of 3, I always like to say, I litterally have one each, a girl, a boy, and a boy with special needs! All 4 of these people have brought so much to my life, and shown me love like i've never known, and I give them love back that I didn't think I was capable of.

my daughter now almost 8, and all her brillance, she's so creative, school smart to the point where school almost bores her, she is so determined to win that I feel sorry for anyone who dare challenge her, she has such a love for animals, she spends to much time pretending to be one, I really think she use to be one. She tells me daily that she has such a beautiful mommy and she would not want any other mother.

My now 6 year old, who has sufferred so much in his short little life, but still has a strength and spirit in him, he wins all he battles. He has taught me how to love unconditionaly, to be kinder to others, who just don't know what story they may have of their own, he brought out a loud voice in me that I never thought I had, and I love him, and I know by looking into his big beautiful eyes, he knows just who I am, and that he too loves me!

My soon to be 4 year old, who from day one, drove me insane with his constant loud screams and high pitch tone he thinks is is voice, but he is the absolute perfect addition to our family even if he was an unplaned surprise. he doesn't miss a trick, nothing goes unseen with him, he's full of questions about you, even if he doesn't know you, I call him my little detective, he's a true sports fan, loves anything with a ball, and I have no idea where he gets it from, he has the bigest heart and comassion of any boy his age i have ever met! and he lets me hug and kiss him all day long, he tells me im the best everyday and always says he likes my shirt, and if its new, he knows it! he loves me, and I love him more then I ever dreamed I would! Im so amazed by these little people, and that I created them, they are with faults and nothing but perfect to me!

Last, there is the man I call John, what can I say about him?? he's been there through thick and thin, right by my side, and there has been some REAL think times,and even through the challenges we have yet t endure, but know their one day coming. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am, though I believe he believes what he says, I oftten question his sanity, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder! He loves when I wear yoga pants because he likes the way my ass looks in them, and to this day I still call him a jerk, you know... for looking at my ass! He always puts his family first, he do what we feel is right for them and best for our family, he doesn't care what others think, he's happy with all he has, but is always so quick to help others who are in need, he is by far a better person then I... and gosh darn it!! he loves me, for exacly who I am, and here we are , 13years later still going strong, with our perfect family we created, I don't need money in the bank to be the ritches girl in the world. I'm comfortable with who I am today, and even thou sometimes my heart aches, and so often I cry, I do not suffer. I have many things to be greatful for, but mainly , all the love I have in my life... I have found love that I once longed so hard for, in all the right places.

Horse with a broken leg

After spending sometime in an ICU where my boy was transferred to from our local hospital, one in wich we never been to before, things starting looking real bad, So bad in fact, I saw for the first time, a chance my boy really may not make it home, but at no fault of his own, without going to into long detail of just why I felt this, and how I knew thier techniques of trying to help my boy, where in fact where actually making things all wrong for him, but watching my boy, and the strong little fighter he is, he kept holding on, After one long and stressful night, (my boy had some tube compplications , and was very unstable for almost 13 hrs), I made my boy a promise, I promised him, if he held on just a while longer, I would get him out of there, I would get him to sickkids, a place that without fail has never let us down, has always helped my boy with his battle in getting better. After what I thought was going to be a fight with the ICU team that was working with us, I asked them, "can you please transfer my boy? im really done with this place, and be honest , you are you've done all you can here with my boy," " despite what you may feel is going to happen, please transfer my son, so at least I will know i did all I can do for him?" To my surprise, they agreed, and without hesitation, They agreed to make the phone call but we're doubtful they would take him, being he was already in an ICU bed, but to everyones surprise, Sickkids agreed right away to the transfer, and tears Of hope and joy, streamed down my face, and I thanked them! of course the only other Glitch was trasportation, being my boy was still stable, ORNGE may not be able to do the transfer for a while, making us at risk of losing our bed at sickkids. Well , fait was instore for us, this tranfer was ment to happen, by noon the next day, Team ORNGE was there packing us up and ready to send us on our way!! (more tears of hope and joy , insert here) , This was our first transfer during daylight, and we went by small wing plane, a first plane ride for me,(sadly not my boy) surprisingly I was not afraid to fly, or I just didn't think about it maybe... I starred out the window as we're above the clouds, just an amazing sight, brought true images of hope and faith to me, that we were on our way to better times.

By the time we arrived to the ICU at sickkids, it was almost shift change, but that Don't matter in this place, what the Doctor wants done, gets done, no matter the time, and a much needeed *bronchscopy was done, tube re placement was done. After only a few hrs things already looking up, my boys condition was turning for the better . finally after a 4 week long struggle, and finally being where I wanted him to be all along, there was light at the end of the tunnel! After a long night and barley any sleep, even though I was given a parent room for the night, I barely closed my eyes for even an hour, i was back in my boys room, and to no surprise at all, he was still impproving.. slowly but surely. I took my cell phone out of my pocket, where it always sits, oh and to show you just how far hospitals have come, we now are allowed to have our cell phones with us, even in the ICU.. keeping me in close touch with a world I felt was so far away, whether it was my pphone calls, email, text and TWITTER!! the place where I get my local and worldy new from. And there it was, a women and her husband who both friended me on twitter, a women who reached out to me, beause of my boy, because she too has a story of her own with her own boy, the same couple, who for no reason but the kidness of their heart , came to visit my boy and I when we were on our local Hostpital, who brought me coffee during the day and to keep my addiction fueled, at night as well, and brought me homeade cookies!! ( I still dream about the taste of those cookies, they were sooo good!), and most of all, the couple to sent daily prayers, for my boy to get well and return home. They too were at sickkids, just the day before , the very place where outside , the place where their little girl lost her horse, the horse with a broken leg. They tweeted out, that if anyone happen to be downtown Toronto, if they could look for this horse that their daughter lost outside, and even posted a picture near the enterance of where it was...wich came in real handy for me, I suck with written diretions, but picture, i can follow. I saw that post and knew RIGHT AWAY I had to find this horse! I knew how sad this little girl must have felt without her favourite toy, after spending everynight for the past 4yrs, looking for Giraffey, a stuffed animal that my 4yr old can't sleep without,but it was something more inside me that wanted to make it my days mission to find this horse, it was a sign, not just that they were there just the day before, the same place I faught so hard to get to that very day, but I thought, if I could find this horse, then it was a clear cut sighn that we were ment to be there, and if I did manage to find this horse, that one little girl would be happy again, and my boy would get well again, well enough to return home, to my little girl and boy who I was missing terribly. I didn't waiste anytime, and it was coffee time for me anyway, I really needed coffee, after a long time without any sleep, i went down stairs, i first went to the lost and found and ask if anyone turned in a lost horse with a broken horse, they hadn't seen one but took down my name and number in case one was returned in, off to starbucks to grab my coffee,(I hadn't discovered starbucks until the last ICU we were at, thats all they had, before that, it was always tim hortons, I got use to starbucks, and well, i could go either way, starbucks or Tims, starbucks is right there when you get off the elevators at sickkids, so it was an obvious choice) with my coffee in hand we ventured outside walked around the building to where the horse was left, kept praying I could find this horse, and that it was the answer to making everything right again.... I started looking on the grounds, under every bench, under piles and piles of leaves, I wan't having much luck, I started feeling anxious, I really felt for no reason other then my own craziness, that finding this horse was the answer to making my son healthy again, like it held some sort of magic or somehing... I know crazy right?? I thought if I couldn't find it, then this was all a waiste and it wasn't really fate brining us here after all... Finally there it was!! A horse with a broken leg, sitting on a bench where I must have looked UNDER a thousand times, it was sitting there , as if in the very posotion where this little girl had left it, as if waiting for me to pick it up and one day , return it home. I exitedly put it in my purse, and returned inside and upstairs to my boy, and I tweeted out the little girls mom to let her know, her horse was safe and sound and would one day soon come home to her. I kept this horse in my purse ,to ensure it would not get lost again, but looked at it often , i won't tell you then I talked to it as well, cause thats just pure crazy at its finest! right?!? It heard me pray, heard me cry, even went on a little adventure with me where we both got lossed. I decided one day, I needed some fresh air and change of place, just for an hour or so... so I walked up to the Eatons center. I shopped around for a short bit, with horse in purse, But when it was time to go.. i got lost, first inside the mall, couldn't find my way out, then when I tried many doors outside, I could not find the way I came in, I stood on the street of Downtown Toronto, with no idea how to get back to sickkids, (like I said , i suck with directions, any sense of direction... I have none) i stood there terrified I was going to get swolled up in the busy crowd and not make it back to my boy, a man was preaching into a microwave , I turned and he was starring right into my face, freaked out!! I walked into the street and jumped into the first cab I saw, I begged him , can you please take me to sickkids main enterane?? I don't care how you do it", and sure enough 2 minute ride later, and $10.00 gone, I was back to sickkids, after stopping to grab some much needed caffeine,I went back upstairs to my boy, so thankful I was with him again, and vowed, never to leave his side again! alone anyway. Incase you were wondering, yes I really did believe this horse made sure I got back to where I needed to be, I carried it around with me like a good luck charm, this horse was to me like wilson was to Tom Hanks in castaway, even though I was always with people around me during these Hospital stays, some days I felt just as alone, like Tom was on that desserted Island. After just a day or two shy of two weeks, my boy was well again to go home! A few short days after we returned home, the horse with the broken leg was returned home to its rightful ownner, my boy and I were returned home to our family , and just in time for the holidays, and for my boy to turn 6 soon after! What ever the reason was for that little girl to lose her horse, for my boy to finally go to a place that could help him, I can't help but feel it was all linked together some how, that is was a sign that all was in place where it needed to be, to put us on the track to "healthy and home again" and home again for the horse. It takes me to a new place of belief , that there are no coincidences in life, and that a chain of seperate events that occure, are all linked together.

*Bronchoscopy is a technique of visualizing the inside of the airways for diagnostic and therapeutic purposes. An instrument (bronchoscope) is inserted into the airways, usually through the nose or mouth, or occasionally through a tracheostomy. This allows the practitioner to examine the patient's airways for abnormalities such as foreign bodies, bleeding, tumors, or inflammation. Specimens may be taken from inside the lungs. The construction of bronchoscopes ranges from rigid metal tubes with attached lighting devices to flexible optical fiber instruments with realtime video equipment.